I did not come into this season of The Bachelor with a lot of preconceived ideas about how Juan Pablo Galavis would do as a protagonist, or whether he was even remotely sincere about “wanting to find love,” but after the second episode of the new season, I was definitely leaning in the direction of “he’s in this to have a good time and travel, but he’s not coming out of this with a wife or anything that’s going to last much beyond ‘After the Final Rose.'”
Some of this attitude stems from Juan Pablo himself seeming less than singleminded about wanting to end his playing-the-field days, but I also have to credit (debit?) this cast of females, which is impressing me as being less impressive than usual — and it’s not like this franchise has been drawing the cream of the crap crop over the years. Aside from the operatic (in a good way) Sharleen, who has to be doing this for career exposure, I didn’t see anyone I’d even want to go to Starbucks with for an hour, much less propose to.
I did have high hopes for Episode #2 in this respect: that’s the week a season ago that The Bachelor introduced Tierra LiCausi as someone who wasn’t the demure, lovestruck all-American type that the Sean Lowe season premiere suggested, but was actually kinda crazy. But if there’s a true villain to be had in Season 18, she hasn’t manifested herself to this point. I mean, I’m not going to condemn what’s-her-name for getting sloppy drunk, as I don’t really have a wobbly leg to stand on when it comes to that topic. But I get ahead of myself slightly.
The night began with a shot of Kelly’s dog swimming in the mansion pool. In other good news, we didn’t get the usual blather from Chris Harrison explaining how the dates work, because for cryin’ out loud, it’s Season 18 and this show isn’t still picking up new viewers! We know how it works! Various ladies are discussing the fact that Clare, the fake pregnant chick from the limo exit, has landed the Coveted First Solo Date. Clare primps awfully well for someone who claims to never go on dates. Juan Pablo arrives to pick up his date, and bask in the adoring gazes of the other 17 women. The ladies look on and squeal as he blindfolds Clare before piling into the vehicle. So it’s a surprise of some kind — though since the date card said “let’s chill,” and this show has no imagination, I assume they’re going to throw snowballs at each other even though it’s early fall when this was taped? Clare just sits back, giggles, and says she is basking in the smell of Juan Pablo. Love that fútbol scent!
Things continue in this weird, vaguely mortifying vein when they pull up someplace, presumably a film set of some kind, that’s been decked out to look like an idyllic winter scene, complete with artificial snow. Of course, I’ve been below zero now a few times this winter, so none of this is especially heartwarming right now — and of course, Clare still doesn’t know any of this, since she still has on the blindfold and is now riding on Juan Pablo’s back. They go sledding down a hill, and Clare screams as if it really is “a perfect fairy tale” and not a ripoff compared with more exciting and/or lucrative dates of the past.
Back at the mansion, the remaining ladies gossip about what might be happening on the date. Lucy, the “free spirit,” is hanging out without a bikini top on, something she might have thought to try when Juan Pablo was there earlier. She tells the others that she’s not necessarily looking forward to getting a one-on-one date because she “does very well in a group setting,” another thing the Bachelor might want to know about. Kat is announced as the next recipient of a solo date, as the card is brought in by Kelly’s pooch yet again. If she wins, does Juan Pablo have to propose to the dog as well?
Back in the winter park, Clare is checking off “great date” boxes even though this looks incredibly boring. She referred to the date as “amazing,” so she’s clearly watched a lot of this show. As the pair try to skate, Clare talks about how Juan Pablo is making her feel comfortable, and the importance of opening herself up for love — a sure sign she could be in line as a Bachelorette if she somehow doesn’t win this season. Later, the couple sinks into a hot tub, as Clare tries to keep her drool out of the water. She picks this time to discuss the recent loss of her father, and how it seemed to have caused her to shut down emotionally and become an “ice queen.” Juan Pablo reacts to all this by giving her a hug, because what the hell else can you do? He says that Clare is used to being treated like a princess by the man in her life, and by God, that’s what he plans to do!
He presents Clare with the rose for the date, they kiss for quite a while in the hot tub, and then he has another special surprise: music begins to play from a short distance away, and it’s a private concert from Josh Krajcik, the runner-up from Season 1 of The X Factor! Josh used to be a struggling musician locally, so I’m happy to see him having any success … but man oh man, he can’t be happy doing this kind of crap. The fake snow begins to fall, and all Clare can do is marvel at the hope of an extraordinary new relationship. I am already missing Sharleen’s measured response to the spectacle of this “search for love.”
Like all of them, Kat has already assumed she has a leg up on the others. Why, didn’t she and Juan Pablo share a salsa just after the limo arrival? Who could possibly match such a deep connection? As he arrives at the mansion to pick her up, Juan Pablo voiceovers about the importance of being a good dancer, and how this date is just perfect for Kat. Well, on the basis of what we’ve heard so far, let’s just hope whatever they do won’t require her to talk much.
This “big surprise” takes the couple to a private plane, so it already promises to be a lot more exciting that Clare’s date. Once they are in the air, Juan Pablo takes his leave for a few minutes, and then emerges from behind a curtain wearing a flourescent track suit. Well, OK. He then presents Kat with her date outfit, which is even louder. Both of them brandish these big glow sticks, as if Obi-wan Kenobi had touched down at Burning Man, and then we finally figure out what’s up: the plane lands, Juan Pablo and Kat run down a lit sidewalk, and they emerge into a crowd waiting for the “Electric Run”5K in Salt Lake City. I guess this is supposed to be like a rave, but one where everyone is too tired from having run to do any dancing?
Kat’s voiceover stresses what an amazing time she’s having on this amazing run with the amazing Juan Pablo, but it has just a wee bit less privacy than the average date on The Bachelor. At the end of the 5K, Juan Pablo and his date are invited to come on stage, and everyone screams as they do their bouncing. The rose for the date is right up there waiting for them, so there’s not much chance she’s going to get disappointed in front of thousands of people. She’s thrilled to accept it, but I were Kat, I’d be wondering why this date was so perfunctory. There’s almost always a quiet part of the date, including a dinner, following the “fun” part, but that didn’t happen here. Hard to imagine this isn’t a bad sign going forward.
While all this was happening, the group date card arrived at the mansion, with everyone but Sharleen, Danielle, and Amy L. being accounted for. Sharleen had the first Impression Rose and likely has nothing to worry about. Those other two, on the other hand, might want to step it up at the cocktail party. The date card read “Say Cheese!” so it’s best to expect the 13 ladies will be either posing for pictures, or doing something cheesy. Or, since it’s The Bachelor, a little of both.
Lucy contemplates how to get Juan Pablo’s attention without lifting her shirt, which she illustrates by lifting her shirt for us. This girl might have a future on camera in southern California, just not on this show, or even on television. The 13 arrive at some downtown studio, where Juan Pablo explains that yes, a photo shoot is going to be happening, and it’s for a good cause — but first, you have to learn about the twist. A dork wearing a goatee dyed blue tells the girls that they will have partners for the shoot — a gaggle of cute dogs! This is exciting! Peeing is happening everywhere, and not just from the dogs! The organization benefitting from all this is called Models ‘n Mutts, which is all about using hot chicks to raise awareness of pet adoption. Win-win!
The 13 are all informed about what they’re going to be wearing for their respective shoot, and head to hair & makeup. This is more involved for some than for others. Kelly has to wear a bald cap and is spray-painted brown. Another woman has to wear a big rubber fire hydrant. Elise’s outfit is nothing more than a couple of small placards, which she is expected to hold over the sorts of areas they blur out on this and every other show. Andi, who has not been excited about the photo shoot to begin with, has just one sign, “Adopt.” Both she and Elise are concerned about the implications considering their respective careers (prosector and first-grade teacher, respectively). “I’m not the girl that walks around naked,” says Andi, who is the girl who looks for a husband on national TV, a much more respectable undertaking.
Elise and Andi commisserate and try to figure out a way out. The bluebeard basically tells Elise to suck it up for the dogs. Suddenly, a solution wanders into view: Lucy and her big ol’ fire hydrant. Elise knows that being naked is no big deal for Lucy, so she asks if she might want to switch, and before you know it, Lucy is undressed and walking around on the street. The shoot gets under way, with Juan Pablo getting kissed on in a few of the poses, and Elise still whining about now being inside a rubber hydrant. A few of the women take note of the chemistry between the Bachelor and Renee. There’s still drama about whether Andi can go through with the nakedness — she tells Juan Pablo she’s modest enough to have brought a one-piece swimsuit. He finally coaxes her into the pose, because the protagonist talking a reluctant woman into “overcoming her fears” is an old cliche with this franchise.
Now it’s on to the party portion of the date, which takes place at a L.A. highrise with a rooftop pool. It’s a little startling to see Kelly without her bald-dog makeup and be reminded how attractive she really is. Cassandra has the first chance to chat with the Bachelor, who had previously been heard in voiceover talking about how he really needed to get to know her better. She uses this opportunity to reveal that she has a 2-year-old son, and that’s why she seems to call her mother so much. Juan Pablo is excited to hear this, probably more excited than Cassandra was to find out she was pregnant. For her part, Cassandra feels the admission went well, and that she dodged a bullet. Hmmmm.
The other mom in the competition, Renee, plots to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo on the rooftop, but they spend so much time talking about their respective kids that he seems to forget about the romance part. She hints at wanting a kiss, but he’s not biting at all. As the ladies jostle for time with the Bachelor and nervously wonder who might get the rose for the date, Victoria, the Brazilian bombshell, seems to be hitting the wine a little heavily. Nikki gives her a friendly reminder to tone it down, but Victoria claims she’s barely touched the champagne, and that this is her normal personality. She’s noticeably slurring as she says all this, so I kind of doubt all that. “That’s what life is about … straddling people, and things” she stammers. I don’t disagree, but maybe put it a little more circumspectly? Later she adds that “I gave him the Hymen maneuver” (a reference to her pose in the photo shoot). Yeah, I’m fairly certain no one on this show has ever needed such a maneuver.
Juan Pablo moves on to Jessia Simpson lookalike Nikki, actually physically lifting her and carrying her to the seats, which is pretty flirty for this stage. He seems to have a wee crush on the fact that she’s a pediatric nurse, so Nikki might want to milk that for as long as she can. Meanwhile, a totally plastered Victoria has climbed out of the Jacuzzi looking for Juan Pablo. I note here that she’s wearing a gown in her interview segments and wearing a bikini around the pool, and seems equally drunk on both occasions, so I smell a producer shenanigan or two, but whatever. She wanders into view of the Bachelor and then wanders back out. Nikki, who is well aware of Victoria’s condition, clues Juan Pablo in. Recriminations are being to settle in, as they tend to do when you’ve overindulged.
Victoria is now angry and storms off in the direction of the bathroom. By the time Renee gets there to investigate, the drunk girl is in full-on Weep Mode. Renee goes above and beyond at this point, crawling under the stall in an attempt to settle Victoria down. As Nikki relates her own version of the incursion to the girls at the pool, Victoria continues to cry about not having had one-on-one time yet. Then Sad Drunk turns into Angry Drunk, cursing at Renee and storming back out of the bathroom, claiming she wants to go home. What the hell? She heads toward the elevator, where a staffer tries to explain the situation: we have to get you a plane ticket; we have to get you a cab; we have to, uh, see that you put on some shoes. At this point, Victoria races back into the bathroom. If you’ve ever been drunk before, I probably don’t have to explain what happens now.
The other women begin to pick through the rubble, eventually seeming to conclude that yes, this is all very sad for Victoria, but in the end, you have to pull yourself together. In the meantime, Lucy heads over to explain Victoria’s loss of mind to Juan Pablo, in order to see if he might want to say something to her. He gingerly wanders into the bathroom, where the weeping is still coming from inside the Stall of Tears. Finally, he says he’ll wait for her to come out, because a Bachelor can’t be seen crawling under a stall.
While he and everyone waits for Victoria to flush it all out, Juan Pablo tells the others that he understands why someone in her situation might get nervous. He then adds, in an embarrassed tone, “I hope you had a good time!” Sure! Barrel of laughs, this is! He picks this moment to award the group date rose, and the honor goes to Kelly, in recognition of having to portray a bald dog (we didn’t see her get her own one-on-one time). He asks them to make sure Victoria gets back to the mansion safely, in order that he might give her the boot the next day when she’s better able to process it, and they sunnily agree. Hey, one less competitor! The girls agree that his ability to not freak out around a drunk female makes him the ideal man. Seriously? Because we’ve ALL been there.
The next day, everyone is sitting around in bikinis discussing the previous night’s drama, with Nikki taking a lead role once again. She seems a little more interested in stirring things up than her original demure attitude might have suggested. It’s mentioned at this point that Victoria never actually came back to the mansion and that she’s been stashed at a hotel — no doubt because they couldn’t just send her home without Juan Pablo getting to say goodbye.
“Sorry about last night … I might have overreacted a little?” says Victoria upon greeting the Bachelor at her hotel room door, wearing a wrap over the same bikini she puked on the previous night. She explains that she gets nervous easily, feels everything too intensely, and isn’t mad at him, just embarrassed by herself. Juan Pablo chivalrously says he just wanted to check on her well-being, but he makes it clear to her that he already has one daughter and isn’t going to be put in the position of taking care of Madame Hymen as well. So Victoria’s hope of being the first Brazilian winner, as opposed to being the first winner with a Brazilian, is dashed.
On to the cocktail party, where now only two women have to worry about being dumped. Juan Pablo kicks off the festivities by announcing what happened with Victoria, so now everyone knows this is Deadly Serious. He starts off by asking to talk to Amy L., the TV reporter who has been pretty much absent since exiting the limo. She is putting a lot of stock in the fact that he wanted to talk to her first (even though it was likely because she didn’t get to go on a date), but she flubs the advantage by pretending to conduct a new s interview with an obviously uncomfortable Juan Pablo. She felt it went very well, and that a rose is now a given! Uh-huh. Next, Sharleen is pulled away from the throng — she also had no date after her First Impression Rose. Sharleen is now saying in her voiceover that she was “rude” when Juan Pablo gave her the rose and she treated it like he was asking her to deal with his Doberman’s mess. But given that she showed up for the party baring more cleavage than anyone else, it appears she is in the mood to make amends. She is so emotionally mature in talking with Juan Pablo, admitting that she finds the entire situation intimidating, that I continue to marvel how she wound up on The Bachelor.
The women all agree that it’s difficult to go through this wondering where you stand — even Clare, who already has a rose, has her doubts. Cassandra seems to be having a homesickness breakdown, staring at pictures of her son while she whimpers about how hard this all is. It’s left to Renee to be the adult among the other girls again, as she gives Cassandra the “I know how you feel” speech, telling her that while it’s hard to be in the competition, it’s worth sticking out. The two women head upstairs in the mansion to cry it out a little more, and then Juan Pablo follows to see what’s up. Cassandra tells him about her discomfort and her guilt over leaving her son. His response is that it’s a tough process for him too, and that he will be respectful of both her and Renee, by letting them know for their own sake if he senses he’s not feeling anything for them. Soon her cries turn to laughs, and the crisis has been averted.
But there’s still a crisis for those who are left behind at the Rose Ceremony! The roses go to (in order) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy the free spirit who appears to have no underwear on under her gown, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy. That leaves Amy L. to interview Chantel about their shared bad fortune. It should still be a little early for tears — Amy maturely says that it wasn’t meant to be for the two of them — but Chantel does sniffle a little. Well, at least she didn’t have to weat the one sign on the group date.
Next week: They start getting jealous! About damn time.
